21 days make a habit.

i'm now on my first day... again. i've re-set it twice already. first try, i came as far as 5 days. second try, i came as far as 3 days. :::::sigh::::: i wonder how far i'll get this time.

on second thought, is this really what i want?

if given a choice, would you rather be in pain for the rest of your life but happy? or in pain for a few weeks (or months to a year) and miserable the rest of that time?

me? i don't know... would i be asking if i knew?

oh darn it.

life sucks.

Director Avid Liongoren told me before that whenever something really good is about to happen in your life, you should never talk about it. Never tell a single soul or else it's bound not to happen. Sure you're excited and you want to tell everybody you know -- you want to shout it out to the whole world. But he said it's best kept secret. Until such time it really happens. (Did that make sense?)

I never really thought about what he said. I mean, I understood where he was coming from but it was just kwento to me. I wasn't exactly affected. I couldn't relate it to myself... that time.

Now I know what he means.

And how crappy it feels to want something so bad and not have it just because you told. Indeed, don't count the chicks until the eggs hatch... or something to that effect. Hehe.

Me and my big mouth. Bummer.

I guess I'll shut up now. Or maybe not. I don't know. I'm being my usual confused self. I guess it's true what they say that I think too much. But isn't that why we have brains for? To think? Oh well, whatever.

PaBa
by 6cyclemind

Habol ng tingin
Matang nagkukunwaring malambing
Ayos na kay bango
Pilit pagandahin
Para ako'y mapansin

Sabog na pag-iisip
Hindi alam ang gagawin
Anong kailangan
At hindi ka mapasa akin

Saan ba
Kailan ba
Ito lang ang alam kong gawin
Paano ba, ano ba
Wala na bang ibang paraan

Nais kong matikman
Ang yakap mong napakadiin
Ngiting kay saya
Tinatangay ako ng hangin
Naging malapit sa taas
Sa panalangin na ika'y mapasa akin
Walang na bang para sa 'kin

Saan ba
Kailan ba
Ito lang ang alam kong gawin
Paano ba, ano ba
Wala na bang ibang paraan

Pipilitin
Aaminin
Hindi alam ang gagawin
Lalapitan
Sasabihin
Hindi alam ang gagawin

Hindi alam ang sasabihin
Hindi alam ang gagawin
Hindi alam ang sasabihin
Hindi alam ang gagawin

Saan ba
Kailan ba
Ito lang ang alam kong gawin
Paano ba, ano ba
Wala na bang ibang paraan

Burnout
by Sugarfree

O, wag kang tumingin ng ganyan sa akin
Wag mo akong kulitin,
Wag mo akong tanungin
Dahil katulad mo, ako rin ay nagbago
'Di na tayo tulad ng dati, kay bilis ng sandali

O, kay tagal din kitang minahal

Kung iisipin mo, 'di naman dati ganito
Teka muna, teka lang, kelan tayo nailang?
Kung iisipin mo, 'di naman dati ganito
Kay bilis kasi ng buhay, pati tayo natangay

O, kay tagal din kitang minahal

Tinatawag kita, sinusuyo kita
'Di mo man marinig, 'di mo man madama

O, kay tagal din kitang mamahalin

after 48 years... nah, that's an exaggeration... hehe... make that a week... i'll be a happy camper again!!! weeeeeee!

go figure ;-D

drats.

i should've went out yesterday and today. i should've kept myself busy so i wouldn't mope. :-(

anyways, fixed a few stuff instead. argh!

have an early and busy day tomorrow so i guess i better turn in early. oh well... i miss MSPB.

happiness!

la lang. ;-)

i'm confused!!! ack!

it's just the second week of january and work keeps on piling up. i am excited with most of the projects but I DON'T KNOW what to do first!!!! waaaaah.

okay... we have this rock band compilation and i've been tasked to take care of it. i like it so much. i have never been this excited in my whole life to work on something. i'm working with people i used to work with... this is my chance to get immersed back into the scene. but i cannot actually concentrate on it what with all the other stuff nagging me to get done! argh. why are there only 24 hours in a day?!?!?! not fair!

it doesn't help that i have my personal life to think of. haha. oh yeah, did i mention i went out with MSPB the other day? la lang. it was fun. =)

shux... i wish i had more time in my hands so i can work on all the things i have to do.

back to work. drats!

okay... i'm whining again. double drats!

anyways, i'm feeling excited about 2005. for some reason, i think this is going to be a good year. i hope my vibe is right.

after getting all serious in my previous posts, we're back to the trivial stuff... jeez. hehe. what's there to post anyways? i may not like what happened. who does anyway? but what to do? life goes on. we may not like it sometimes but life still goes on.

so, what's up with AMP? in one word, NOTHING. hehe. i am so over him. we still talk. he texts and calls sometimes. i text and call him in return. we've actually taken our "relationship" a level higher by being good friends. we talk about serious topics now. haha. and we're kinda more personal. but that's about it. i know it will not go any higher than that. it's much better this way, i guess. he's a great person to be friends with. =)

what about MSPB? well... this is another story. wahahaha. it's nothing official, really. i know, i know... i'm such a sucker for entering "unofficial territories". for some reason, i get drawn to the unknown. is it the x-phile in me? haha.

i can actually see a couple of eyebrows rising. me and my fairytale world. i can't help it. journeying into the unknown provides a certain thrill. i know that in the end it may cause me pain but the masochist in me just shrugs and says "Who cares?"

haha. it's pathetic, really. i think i'm a perfect subject for psychiatrists. they'll have a hard time figuring me out. you see, i get depressed easily. however, i cause my own depression. i know this for a fact. i am aware that i can be in control if i want to be. i do want to be in control but somehow, i don't do anything to guarantee such. not because i can't but i just don't. but then again, i complain that my life sucks and then i get depressed. the rollercoaster ride begins. and never ends.

i am such a nutcase.

so anyways, i am currently happy with MSPB. we get along pretty well. we argue sometimes. erm... let me rephrase that... I (take note... "I"... haha) argue with him most of the time. but it's fun. he understands it's part of who i am and lets me be. i kinda like that. though sometimes, i hate it when my tantrums don't elicit any reaction at all. weird, huh? if he calls my attention about my tantrums, i get mad. if he doesn't and just lets me whine, i get mad. damn if you do, damn if you don't. hehe. but he's still around. how many guys can take such a "beating"?

i'm not saying this is it. i'm over that phase. i don't want to tag anybody as being THE ONE. yeah, a certain part of me wants him to be THE ONE. i'm tired na kse e. haha.

do i like him? A LOT. he makes me laugh. and he makes me happy. i can be myself with him.

do i love him? yes i do because he's a really good friend.

am i in love? that i don't know... yet.


what about him?...


does he like me? yes of course. we're super good friends.

does he love me? yes, he said so himself.

is he in love? i'm not sure.

who knows? maybe the next time i post, we're official. then again, maybe not. or maybe, in my next post, i am aready in love. still, maybe not. i don't know really. i don't want to preempt things. which is why i haven't told anyone about him. haha. sorry folks! my lips are sealed until such time that (i)we're officially together or (ii)it's over. hehehe.

if ever we do end up together, i can imagine myself spending the rest of my life with him. of all the guys i have been with, he's the only one who accepts me for who i really am. and understands why i am the way i am. he has also taught me how to love without question. and how to love without what if's or but's. it's really kewl. =)

if on the other hand, we don't end up together, i'm really glad he came into my life. i know i met him for a reason. and i think that should we not end up together, we will be friends for life. and that accounts for something already. to quote from the movie American Pie: "i'd rather have him as a friend than not have him in my life at all".

happy new year!

for many people, it's a not-so-happy new year. in fact, it's a sad sad sad and depressing new year. over 140,000 people have died in southeast asia due to the earthquake and the tsunami that hit the region day after christmas. what a bitter way to end the year and welcome the new one.

i feel so guilty. here i am living comfortably when many of my fellow asians are suffering. heck, i've been attending holiday dinners left and right. am i a bad person for doing this? i feel guilty but why the hell can't i stop the revelry? if i feel so bad for these people, how come i party here and there? i suck big time.

i also feel guilty that i have been obsessing about men. i complain about the most trivial stuff. i whine too much. how dare i complain? how, indeed?

***before i go on, let me just pause for a minute of prayer***

there... i feel a tad relieved.

but then again, i still feel depressed i can't do anything more. i wish i were rich. i wish i had several millions lying around so i can donate some to the disaster victims. i wish i owned planes so i could use them to send relief and aid to those who need it. i wish i had more so i could give a little more.

on second thought, i think there is something i can do. i myself am guilty of hurting the earth. i am guilty of throwing candy wrappers and cigarette butts wherever. i waste water sometimes when i take a bath. so maybe, by not doing these things, i can help. in my own little way. and by telling people i know to do the same thing, i can help more.