Purpose Driven Life

I just attended a Bible study a few minutes ago. It was just on a whim. I was busy with the Eating Out video screening when I decided to step out of Studio 1 since I was beginning to feel really cold. My hands were literally freezing!

When I went out, I saw my officemates (the Video Content Group) seated in one table engaged in animated conversation. I thought they were talking about something outrageous or really funny so I walked over and joined them. Apparently, they were doing a Bible study. I contemplated for a bit whether I should stay or go but Joji insisted I sit with them so I did.

I never realized that "sharing" and listening to other people's errr... experiences can be quite interesting. The topic was serious and yet it was fun at the same time. Gal even joked that ours was the wackiest Bible study ever since there were lots of jokes and side comments in between (the good kind, mind you). I must admit I enjoyed it. There were no pretentions and none of the people at the table were being self-righteous.

That was the first time I actually spoke and got to know Tenn. She seems alright. I never gave her the chance before and now that I'm leaving, I realized that maybe I was wrong in doing that. She even kidded me about the fact that she just got to know me and I'm already on my way out. Funny and ironic. Haha.

They said they're going to make this a weekly thing. I then found myself telling them to text me and let me know when the next schedule will be. Hmmm.

Anyways, it's weird that I have been with these people for three years or so but I learned more about them and from them in the two hours that we spent talking at the Studio Plaza. Made me realize that I do have a problem discerning people in general.

Things happen for a reason. If I hadn't stepped out of the studio when I did, I wouldn't have met these people. I wouldn't have known that I am quick (and unfair) to judge. I wouldn't have realized that I shut myself out to most people without giving them the chance to get to know me and I them. And no, I wouldn't have known that I am too picky with the people I hang out with and more often than not, I get gravitated towards the people I shouldn't be hanging out with in teh first place.

I don't know if I'm making any sense. Much of the things happening to me lately don't make sense to me at all. But somehow, I feel that a path has been opened before me and it's up to me to decide whether to choose the right or the wrong path. I sure hope I pick the right one this time.


Bumhood, Here I Come

Yes.

I am now a certified bum.

It's a bit scary not knowing where I'll go and what I'll do next. But then again, I feel happier and at peace.

No more stress. No more tension. No more sleepless nights.

I think I deserve to take this break. I have been working non-stop for nine years. As Joji would say, I am now at the crossroads of my life and I should just stop for a while and rethink about what I want and where I want to take myself. Like I've said, I honestly don't know yet. I do have some ideas but I guess I still need to think things through a million times over.

Beginning tomorrow, I will have that luxury. And ooohhh I cannot wait for my life to begin!

Bittersweet Symphony

No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
And I'm a million different people from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
I can't change
I can't change it
'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life

-"Bittersweet Symphony" The Verve

I can't exactly explain how I am feeling right now. One part of me is ecstatically happy. Finally I feel free. It's like the chain that was binding me to this abysmal pit has gone loose. No, it didn't just loosen up... It's gone. Actually gone.

I should be glad. Should be jumping for joy. I should be the happiest person on the planet (well, aside from my best friend Anna).

But then again, I have this sinking feeling inside. Can't really say if it's sadness or fear or paranoia. Maybe a combination of all these emotions... magnified like 10x.

I am afraid terrified. And bitter. Ooohhh... let's not forget that.

I am so bitter I can be THE endorser of Abs Bitter Herbs. Yeah, yeah I know... that was such a lame joke. But my sense of humor... if I had any to begin with... seemed to have abandoned me at this time. Anyways, it's not just about this thing or the people I'm leaving behind. This bitterness I feel is actually coming from a far greater source. I realize now that I have been bitter all my life and the times I thought I got past that, I never actually did. It seems like I swallowed this bitter pill and it just grew and grew and sustained itself inside me. Now I don't know how to kill it. I don't know if it will ever go away. It feels like it has made its home inside me and has no plans of leaving anytime soon. Weird huh? Yeah well... I'm weird like that.

That's exactly why I haven't blogged for so long. I just didn't feel like it. I didn't feel like doing anything at all. The catatonic me is once again rearing its ugly head and I am so powerless to fight it. Maybe I should just give up. Maybe I should just let it win.


The Friends Zone

Lately I've been addicted to watching Friends on DVD. For the past two weeks, I have been on a Friends marathon hoping that it will kinda cheer me up. Let's face it, Friends was one of the best things that ever happened to American television. It was funny, sometimes sad yeah, but humor was injected in all the right places that you can't help but laugh even through your tears. Friends was like real life to most people. I know it was (and still is) to me.

I think it was somehow a bad idea that I decided to watch Friends on marathon at this point in my life. Yeah it cheered me up a bit but it also got me to thinking about where my life is headed. I could actually see myself in every character.

Rachel Green - the girl who tried too hard to look for love in all the wrong places. Oooh... this is just so me. I mean, hello?!?! I think I've found my "Ross" at some point but then he just got married so hurray to me, eh?

Monica Geller-Bing - the O.C. (Obsessive Compulsive) girl who's had quite a string of bad luck with men. Again... the story of my life. Err not the O.C. bit though. But I have my share of O.C. moments too, albeit very rare.

Phoebe Buffay - the sweet and flaky New Age girl who talks to plants and animals and actually believes that inanimate objects have feelings too. Yeah... I do too.

Joey Tribbiani - the sweet and erm... somewhat slow guy who loves women, pizza, women, himself and women. Yeah maybe I am not much of a "Joey" if you know what I mean. But I can totally relate to his character when he fell in love with Rachel, one of his best friends. Right.

Chandler Bing - the romantically dysfunctional and professionally unmotivated wiseass who uses his sarcastic humor to get past life. Put all those together and yeah, you once again get... me.

Ross Geller - the highly emotional and hopelessly romantic guy who has forever been in love with Rachel, one of his best friends. I don't think I should even say it... It's pretty obvious now, ain't it?

Friends schmriends. Why did I even think of watching this again?!?!?

If I Were...

01. ...a better writer and knew how to write a song, this would be one:

All this time
I was wrapped up in you
Wanted nothing else
But to spend time with you

Lost myself
Forgot who I was
Tried my best
But never had the chance

I'm walking away now
Not looking back
Going away now
There's no turning back

You were a dream
I held on to for too long
Now I know
With you I don't belong

02. ...in the Big Brother House, I'd be the first person booted out. For one thing, I won't be able to survive without any of my gadgets. I will seriously die. For another, I cannot stand fakers and two-faced freaks. I swear to God.

I wonder how there are people who can actually afford to go to church every week and then spread some shit about someone else a day or two later? How? How can they actually look at themselves in the mirror every morning? Don't they puke at the sight of themselves?

03. ...allowed to time travel, I'd go back to the year 1993.

---Oooppsss... will continue later. Hafta run!

The Truth Will Set You Free

It is true. Telling the truth is so liberating.

I wonder then, why many people choose to lie most of the time? (I'm guilty of this too sometimes...). We try so hard to cover up the truth for fear of hurting other people, or maybe getting them riled up. But the truth is (pun quite intended), just being honest is definitely the way to go. Sure, you may still hurt people... yeah, you can maybe anger them or feel their wrath. But then again, at least you were true to yourself and to them. They may forgive you or not for hurting them with your words but at least your conscience is clear.

If only (more) people were more real.


Why I Will Never Forget October 22

On Saturday, October 22, will be the christening of my niece Aila and I'm one of the godmothers. Kewl. Also on the same day is Rein's wedding. Not so kewl.

Yeah I know. It's been almost ten years. We've both moved on (he obviously has actually...). But it just hit me the other day. He's getting hitched. Oh wow.


Don't know what to say, really.

Before I got here, there were a lot of things I wanted to write. Thoughts were swimming in my head. Words falling all over each other wanting to get out. But y'know... I don't really know what to say.

I'm oh so crappy.




Oooohhh... by the way...

Judgement Day

This is it.

No turning back now.

No, there won't be any looking back.

That Thing Called LoveHate

I pretty much haven't recovered from last Friday. Have not regained my self-worth nor self-respect. My spirit is still broken. I honestly don't know when (and if) I'll be able to get it all back.

This morning before going to bed, I wished I'll start to feel hate and not pain. I want to be angry and not hurt. I want to get mad and not broken. But when I woke up three hours later, I was still feeling the same.

Why can't I hate?

Like A Virgin

Saw the movie The 40-Year Old Virgin last night. It was hilarious. That's all I can say. Thanks to that movie, I found myself laughing so hard for two hours straight. And somehow, I forgot the heartache that's been ailing me since Friday (but that's another story... let's save it for later).

Anyhoo--aside from almost literally rolling on the floor with laughter, one other thing I enjoyed in the film are the toys! You see, Andy (the lead guy's name in the movie and ergo, the 40-year old virgin) is into collecting action figures, toys and games and my gawd! His toy collection was pretty amazing. ::::drool:::::

And the gaming chair he has. Man! I'd want something like that.

Ahh well...

If you're in need of a laugh, this movie is it. It's mababaw, you don't need to be a genius to figure out the jokes and it's just... well, funny. At least for me.

So there.


Psycho Magnet

I have this guy friend who has the misfortune of being a psycho magnet. I swear, all (save for one) of the girlfriends he's had are super psychotic. I won't dare mention his name here in the offchance that one of his ex-girlfriends find my blog. Despite my incessant whining of wanting to die and all that shit, I wouldn't want to get bludgeoned on the head by some psycho bitch. So yeah, I'd rather keep my friend's identity anonymous.

His current girlfriend is so weird that there was a time I actually thought she was mute. Hah! She didn't talk to any of us and would just gesture if she wanted to ask something, like, if she wanted to ask for gum, or for someone to pass the salt. She changed a bit after a while and I almost had a change of heart about her. But then again, she's once again driving us all nuts.

I just wish he'd dump her. Like, for good.

Pain, Pain Go Away

I feel like a worthless scum. No... actually, lower than scum. If there is such a thing lower than scum, I don't know what it's called. But I think I know how it must feel. Because that is how I feel right now.

I know there are a million things much much worse than this. But somehow, this is by far the worst I've felt in years. I've never felt more miserable and dejected ever. The pain is just too much to bear.

How do you mourn someone who is not in your life by choice?

How do you pick yourself up after being trampled on?

How do you put the pieces back together when your heart has literally shattered into a million fragments?

How do you regain self-respect and self-worth?

How do you start over when the will to go on has gone up in flames?

How do you erase feelings? How do you forget?

How do you stop caring? How do you make it all end?

How do you escape the demons in your head?

For most people, when they cut themselves or stumble, they clean the wound, put a bandage on it and go on living. Sadly, it ain't the same for me. I just keep on bleeding. And it won't stop. No amount of bandages can make the bleeding stop. Indeed, how do you heal a wound that's gone on too long and too deep that it's beginning to rot?

Pain paralyzes you.

Pain kills. It's a slow, laborious death. It snuffs out your spirit and lingers long after you're gone. Like you're dying a thousand times over.

Pain wears you down. And I'm exhausted like never before.

Oh pain, please please please go away.


The Butterfly Effect

Chasing a butterfly is like chasing a storm. It's hard. And tiring. But because there is nothing in this world that you want and that is more important to you than getting that butterfly, you continually try. And continually fail. Despite failing several times, you never learn and dare to try again.

Maybe butterflies aren't meant to be chased. Nor caged. They get suffocated. Maybe they're really meant to fly free.

And because you don't want it hating you for trying to catch it, you just let it be. Even though your life loses color and gets much more drab.

It has been said that something as small as the flutter of a butterfly's wings can ultimately cause a typhoon halfway around the world. - Chaos Theory

There's only one problem though... The typhoon isn't halfway around the world. The typhoon is here.


Ctrl+Alt+Del

I wish life was like a PC. You just press ctrl+alt+del and you can choose to restart, shutdown or logoff.

I need a fresh start.

I desperately need to reboot.

Mag-Otso Otso Tayo!

Yesterday, my first text for the day came from the renowned novelty songwriter Lito Camo. Although we've worked several times before, even when I was still with BMG, Lito and I were never textmates. Unless it was about work or a scheduled promo. So I was a bit startled when I got his message. It was an invitation to have lunch at his new home. Since my brain was still a bit muddled from extreme lack of sleep, I figured that maybe he missent the message and it wasn't really for me. I didn't bother replying.

When I got to work an hour or so later, Ms Beth came up to me and asked me if I was going to Lito's. As if in a daze, I asked her what the occasion was. At that time, I actually thought that the text I received was part of a dream. I can never distinguish waking and non-waking moments these days as I haven't been getting enough sleep for weeks.

So anyways, since I was pretty much starving already at that point, I found myself joining Sir Peewee, Ms. Beth, Ate Mona, Kuya Ernie and Rhona to Lito's new abode.

In all the years I've known him, Lito has always been really simple. Even when he became a household name by dishing out those novelty songs one after the other (that the Filipino masses dig so much, for some reason), he remained simple and well... nice. I've heard it time and again... he's getting all these really lucrative deals and opportunities because he knows how to stay grounded inspite of the fame and fortune. He also never forgets where he started, and recognizes the people who helped him on his way up. May utang na loob, ika nga... which is hard to come by these days in most of the people in this business.

When we arrived at his home, all I could think of was "Whoa!". It was huge! And really pretty. I even told Sir Peewee that if I had a house like that, I wouldn't even bother going out. Hah! Especially when we got to the rec room. Hanep, astig!


In the rec room with everyone


And again

Man, that place was conducive to becoming a full-time couch potato. I could stay there forever and watch all the DVDs I could find.

Finally, lunch was served. Being the blog addict that I am, I wanted to take pictures of the food we were about to partake in but I didn't want to appear like a weirdo. So I decided against it. But to give you an idea of what we feasted on, there was prichon (my favorite!), grilled fish, fish stew, buttered prawns, fruit platter and cake! Yum! I forgot my diet for one day. Haha.

When I felt like I was already going to burst, I stood up and played with Lito's youngest son Carl. He's only two years old but he looks like he's around four or five. He was big and really really cute! I wanted to bring him home. Hehe.

We stayed on for a while and chatted with Lito, his wife and mother-in-law until such time when Sir Peewee had to leave for a meeting. But of course, we took time out for a couple more pictures...


In the garage


By the mini fish pond cum fountain fronting his house

Kudos to you Lito! I may not exactly be a fan but I admire your personality and I salute you for staying true and the same. =)

Sister Act

Last weekend, I spent a whole afternoon with nuns. Yeah, you got that right... NUNS! :-) And according to Kuya Arnold, they're not plain nuns but they're of the Carmelite Order and are those that we normally call monghas. They live in a monastery and are normally not allowed to venture outside of the monastery grounds.

However, last Saturday, they were allowed to go out since they were doing a recording of hymns and errr... spiritual songs. Duh. I obviously don't know what I'm talking about here. Hehe.

Anyways, spending time with them was fun and interesting and at the same time "stressful". I had to be very vigilant with the words coming out of my mouth. I couldn't just say shit or fuck. That's pretty hard for someone like me, lemme tell ya. Haha. I could just imagine the look on their faces if they heard me say those cuss words in front of them.

Two of the nuns actually thought I was Kuya Arnold's daughter. Hahahaha! Ayuz. =)


Songwriting 101

I have a dream.

I've always wanted to write a song. Not the sappy ballad types, but something deep (and probably dark considering my state of mind) and edgy. I actually tried doing so a couple of times... but... bleh. My lyrics suck. They turn out to be erm... sappy. Double bleh.

Anyhoo---for two consecutive nights now, I have been at it again. And after hours and hours of wracking my brain for something sensible but at the same time creative, I end up with two lines. Yeah... just two lines of mediocre ramblings. Ack. Hate it.

I envy those who can actually write songs in one sitting. I wish I had that talent.

But I won't give up. This is something I've always wanted to do. I don't actually intend to get my song released (if and when I finish it). Neither am I dreaming of a big hit (although that wouldn't hurt if ever! hehe). Just to be able to write one is good enough for me.

After that, I'm moving on to my next dream.

I'm going to write a book.

Woo hoo!

I hope I get to do both in this lifetime. =)


Snoop Doggy Dog Pt. 2

Once again I decided to be Sherlock Holmes for a day.

I thought it over for like a hundred times before putting the plan into action. I wasn't sure if I was ready to get another shock of my life. However, I figured that nothing can be more shocking than what I discovered the first time. So I went ahead and snooped.

There were no new discoveries, really. Basically what I gathered on this new exploration are mere confirmations of what I found out the first time. Though I can't actually say that they're 100% confirmed. More like 80-20. I'm still leaving 20% for B of the D (err... benefit of the doubt).

I guess I will only get my confirmation if I:

(1) Confront the person involved (although that person can vehemently deny everything... so, so much for that)
(2) Catch the person in action (although I don't think that will ever happen. I'm sure this person is very very careful... so, so much for that too)
(3) Get the person to 'fess up (I think it will take a miracle for this to happen).

So I guess I won't really have my confirmation then. Crap.

Then again, I wonder if I really need to confirm things. Will it change anything? Will things get better? Or should I just leave it alone?

After all, I'm not the one hiding skeletons. So why should it bother me?


Oh, happy day!

I rarely feel happy these days.

But the other day, I somehow felt a moment of bliss. It may be just a flitting moment but I'll take that. Beggars can't exactly be choosers.

I hope real life can be like photos that you can actually capture only the best moments and freeze it forever.

This is one moment I'd like to be in for the rest of my life:



And this:



And this:



These too:









Tough luck.

Because life doesn't work that way.