i'm so bored.

for some reason, it seems that time has stopped and it's taking forever for the clock to strike 7pm. argh! i so wanna leave na. i'm going to the fort and get really wasted... kewl! i'm excited :)

in the meantime, noo nee noo nee noo...

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i have got only 6 days to go...

...till i...

...QUIT!

oh yeah, i am quitting. i have thought it over a million times and i have finally decided to QUIT QUIT QUIT.

ack! wish me luck. it's never easy to quit cold turkey.

6 days...

...bleh.

They say you will really know who your true friends are during the lowest point of your life.

I am at one the lowest points in my life, if not the lowest. I cannot remember a worse feeling than what I'm feeling now. It's a combination of fear, agitation, anger, depression and hurt. I honestly didn't think I'd survive the past two days.

Maybe I wouldn't have if not for a couple of people who I know are my REAL FRIENDS.

Thank you to MXRR. Kuya Arnold, you are indeed the best. Even if you were busy with your kids yesterday, celebrating Fathers' Day and all, you still found time to answer my calls. I was ashamed to tell you what the real issue was until such time that I've gotten so depressed. And I don't regret telling you because you made me feel better somehow. Until this morning, I was so worried and was living in fear but that talk we had last night made some of my fear subside. So I thank you very, very much. When you say you care, you mean it. And I really appreciate that. I also appreciate the fact that you never, ever judged me no matter how crazy I can be sometimes. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'll always be your friend... and I mean it too. =)

To Weng... Despite your humongous problems at home, you still found the time to drive out and pick me up. I debated whether to tell you what I was going through because I knew how bad you must feel too with all your domestic issues and your mom being sick and all. I didn't want to hassle you. I guess I did the right thing by telling you. So thank you very much for being a true friend. We've known each other for 17 years and in those 17 years, you've done nothing but be a really good friend to me. Even when I used to bitch with you about that thing (oh y'know... August 2 incident), you've been very understanding. Thank you. You and Anna are my best friends and I love you dearly. I wish to know you for 17 years more.

To Sam... You not only make my best friend happy but you've proven how great a friend you can be with me. Thank you for driving out too and keeping me company. For listening and giving me that much needed moral support... thanks!

To Nathan... my friend, you are also going through a lot right now and yet you took time out to listen to me first. I appreciate that. You set aside your own personal problems to give me the support I needed. I will never forget that. I wish things work out for you as well. I hope I was able to give you the same support you needed. And if ever you need someone to talk to, just holler. You know where to find me.

To Anna... I haven't told you anything yet and I'm sorry. I didn't want to hassle you. I know you also have a lot to think of right now. But I don't need to tell you anything for me to know how real a friend you are. Being friends for over 13 years is proof enough of that. I love you dude, you know that. And I will surely miss you when you migrate to the US. I wish you didn't have to do that. But I know I can't stop it since your family's there. But I'll miss you terribly.

It's easy to say that you'll be a friend to somebody but it's hard to really be one. Indeed, real friends are those who would stay with you even in grief. Those who aren't just there because everything's chirpy and peachy.

I am now at the lowest point in my life. And I know who my real friends are.

Why do we fall? So we could learn how to pick ourselves up

- Batman Begins

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i don't care what other people say... Batman Begins rocked! i liked it. super. =) it's my second favorite batman film. first on my list is, of course, the first batman with michael keaton.

i was super tired when i got to the theatre last night. i was actually sleepy due to lack of sleep and rest. i was kinda afraid i would doze off during the film. but hell no! i was glued to the screen from the beginning.

Christian Bale as Batman probably didn't command as much presence as Michael Keaton did. but he worked well for me. i like him as Batman more than George Clooney. and how can a film go wrong when it has Liam Neeson, Gary Oldman, Rutger Haeuer, Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman? where, pray tell, can you find such an awesome cast?

Gary Oldman as the good cop Jim Gordon was my favorite character. i may be biased. hehe. i have loved Gary Oldman since Sid & Nancy. it's refreshing to watch him portray a character that's soft-spoken and mild-mannered for a change.

of course, i also loved Michael Caine as the loyal butler Alfred. i think he's perfect for the role.

the only actor i didn't like in the film was Katie Holmes. blech. she's bland. and memories of Dawson's Creek (double blech) kept flashing through my head everytime she's on screen. she wasn't convincing as an assistant DA. she was just... blech. hehe.

i love Batman Begins! i can watch it over and over again and not get bored. note to self: get a DVD!

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it has come to my attention that there is an unwanted visitor to my blog. yeah yeah, i know a blog is a public place and by making one, i "agree" to let anybody read whatever i write. but then again, there are just some people you don't want snooping around your personal space. especially if they snoop around for the sole purpose of talking about you with other people. or maybe to gather chismis about you. gawd, i hate that!

so... i think by now you know that i am referring to you. let me just say you are not welcome here. i don't want you here. and please don't come back. also, please stop talking about me. you think i don't know what you're doing but i do. i don't find what you do amusing. i don't like you. i abhor you. and i hate looking at your face. so, just get the hell out and stay out of my way.

i haven't blogged in a while for a variety of reasons:

01. i'm an addict. have been addicted to this "thing"... unexpectedly... hehe. never thought i'd be this addicted.

02. i'm in severe pain. related to item #1.

03. i am practicing the virtue of patience. whereas before, i usually write about how i feel and what i think the moment they happen, now i think about it first. i count from one to one thousand and the moment i finish, the emotion has died down and i really don't feel like thinking and writing about it anymore. so there.

04. i go home and sleep early because i'm always tired.

05. i bury myself with work to forget about all those other stuff.

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i know i said i try not to be impulsive about the things i write about but... last night i felt really really bad.

you see, someone asked me about NMTB (formerly known as MSPB) and apparently this person found out about the issue from NMTB himself. it's not as if my reputation is ruined... but y'know, i just feel betrayed. it was supposed to be just between us. we agreed it will never come out. and then i find out he's goin' around telling people. what's up with that?

i'm tired of getting mad. i didn't get mad actually. just sad. and hurt. i never expected him to do that to me, of all people. i mean, don't i mean anything to him at all that he wouldn't "protect" me from these things? eversince, i have done nothing but "protect" him. whenever other people would spread bad things about him, i'd be there to the rescue. i've been laughed at, have had eyebrows raised at me, and people talking behind my back... but i didn't care. it just felt right to defend him since he's a really special friend. i guess maybe i expected too much from him. but is it too hard to actually "protect" me? is it such a hard thing to do to return the favor? don't i deserve respect as a friend and as a person?

i also haven't done anything bad to him. yeah, i used to nag him all the time and used to always pick a fight with him. but it's not as if i destroyed his reputation, like what other people has done to him. and yet, he has forgiven all those other people who've done him wrong. i see him give them respect and special attention to live up to his image of being a really nice and likeable person. so... how come i, who hasn't done him wrong, don't get that same respect and special attention? why? i will never understand.

as the cliche goes, it is better to give than to receive. i believe that. but sometimes, you kinda want people to give something back, dontcha? especially if what you need is something that's not actually hard to give back.

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anyhoo---i finally accepted that long overdue dinner invitation from ________.

we're going out next week.

ahh... something to look forward to.

Something freaky and at the same time funny happened yesterday...

Someone: Is _______ out?
Me: What do you mean?
Someone: Oh you know, is he...
Me: Ahh... no, he's not.
Someone: Really?
Me: Yeah. Why?
Someone: I wanted to hook him up with my friend sana.
Me: Ngek. No, he's not e.
Someone: How come someone knows his ex daw?
Me: Ngek. Who?
Someone: I can't say.
Me: Ah okay. Who's your friend?
Someone: I can't say either.
Me: Oh okay. Fine.
Someone: Are you sure he's not...?
Me: Yeah.
Someone: Oh well... you know him better. Kawawa naman yung friend ko.
Me: **shrug**

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On that note...

To MXRR: You asked me something last night, to which I replied "Okay lang". And then you told me that means NO.

I think I've changed made up my mind.

The answer to your question is YES. I THINK I AM. :)

FINALLY...

I feel empty.

I am very unhappy.

I want to quit... And mind you, not just smoking.

But I don't know where to go... :(

I am very, very, very unhappy.

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Anyways, I can't believe I'm going to... err... can't even bring myself to say it. Haha.

I still have a couple of minutes to think whether I should go through with this. So I'll just write about it when it's sure.

Aahh, MXRR... I must be really disturbed to let you talk me into going to the... errr... there!