i posted this the other day but when i read it again, i felt it was
kulang. i had a lot more to say... so i'm re-posting it...
Some things are better left unsaid. By opening yourself up to people, you give them the permission to come inside you and mess you up. They probably don't mean to do that... But by giving them that power to get inside you, you're making yourself vulnerable. And more often than not, you do end up getting all messed up.
I should know. I'm there. Right now.
I should've just kept my mouth shut. But no, I had to tell him. I regret doing it, y'know. I regret being honest about the way I really feel. In the span of one week, I have been called unreasonable, demanding and annoying by someone I hold dear. Not to mention, I have been told that there is no magic there.
Ouch.
That hurt quite a lot. The pain is unimaginable. It's like having a knife thrust deep inside my heart and twisted several times until I scream. It's like having someone step all over me. It's like having life sucked out of me. I have never felt anything remotely as painful.
The saddest part is... he knows. He is quite aware of the hurt and the pain my barely breathing heart is going through. And yet, he doesn't seem to care nor mind at all. He comes in here, reads what I have to say and the next morning asks me why I look like I haven't slept a wink? What's up with that? Or sometimes, he even has the temerity to ask why I look so glum...
C'mon now, are you playing dumb?
I am not expecting to be loved back. For a time, yeah, I was hoping that some sort of miracle will transpire and I'd find myself loved back by him. Now, I am devoid of all hope. I have come to accept that no such thing will ever happen. What hurts me is the fact that despite his incessant declaration that I matter to him and that he appreciates me, he still continues to do things that hurt and disappoint me. It's not as if he ain't aware what these things are... he friggin' knows! Crap. It only drives the point that he doesn't give a damn. I don't mean shit to him. And realizing that makes it hurt all the more.He even went as far as saying that I'm his girl best friend -- introducing me to some people as such. If this was the case then, how can he remain unaffected and nonchalant about everything when I, on the other hand, am hurting and in pain? How can he go about his business as if nothing is wrong? Best friends feel their friend's pain... and most importantly, best friends care.I ain't your best friend. It was just one of those PR things you say.Yeah well... I know that now.I guess it's all my fault, really. I should've just kept my mouth shut from the very beginning. I still would've suffered though... either way, I know I would've suffered. But if I kept quiet and wasn't too open about my feelings, I still would have my dignity intact. I have never felt so worthless. --------------------------------- To you>>>You know who you are... I do thank you for the little favors you (used to) do for me. Thank you for bringing me home, accompanying me to different places when I didn't have anyone else to go with, helping me out with work sometimes, saving my ass by singing without talent fee, making me libre... really, thank you. I just wish it wasn't all PR. For a while there kse, I thought (and believed with all my heart) that I was somehow privileged... that I was special to you... and that I was cut above the rest.My bad. Apparently, I'm just like everyone else. I'm in no way more important to you than any Poncio Pilato. Anyhoo---with me, it wasn't just PR. You know me, I don't befriend people I don't like. And I've always been upfront with you. When everyone else was talking about you behind your back, I confronted you with the issue in question and asked you myself. When everyone else was laughing at you and didn't talk to you because you looked geeky, I spoke to you. When everyone else didn't mind you because you weren't rich and sikat, I made you pansin.Now that you're rich and famous, they're all your friends.And they're all uber-nice to you.And they still talk about you behind your back.--------------------------------- A friend told me once before that when someone is depressed, he/she should be given chocolate cake to make him/her feel better.
I badly need my chocolate cake.
I wish someone would give me chocolate cake.
- Get Your Own
