it's been a very busy and tiring week. and as usual, i've been on this rollercoaster ride of emotions...

::::sigh::::

anyways, a new rule has been implemented at work. smoking is now prohibited. it really sucks for a certain number of reasons:

01. i think better when i smoke. i am able to think creatively when i'm puffing on a cigarette.

02. with this new rule, it means that i have to go outside if i fancy a smoke. which means, i'll be "wasting time" and instead of being in front of my computer writing away, i'd have to store everything in my head. and by the time i get back, i most surely would have forgotten everything.

03. i feel more relaxed when i'm smoking. if i don't get to smoke for a certain time, my nerves are on edge and i get pissed more easily. and i lash out on almost everybody.

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someone told me recently that i'm an emotional manipulator. erm... duh. what the hell is that? a couple of searches on google and i found out that...

emotional manipulation is a method of using words, body language and behavior for the purposes of provoking a particular reaction, getting a desired response or to just plain screw you over.

say what? me? screw someone over? i get screwed most of the time. but not for the life of me have i even thought of screwing someone over.

i researched some more and found these:

an emotional manipulator is the picture of a willing helper. If you ask them to do something for you, they will almost always agree. Then when you say, "ok thanks" - they make a bunch of heavy sighs, or other non verbal signs that let you know they don’t really want to do whatever said thing happens to be. When you tell them it doesn’t seem like they want to do whatever - they will turn it around and try to make it seem like OF COURSE they wanted to and how unreasonable you are.

okay... let me tell you something... when i like something or someone, i say it. and if i don't like something or someone, i say it too. i don't pretend to like anything. if i hate you, i will not be a hypocrite and pretend to like you. you'll know i don't like you. i'm very transparent and i don't know how to be plastic. when i do something for someone, i do it because i like to do it. i wouldn't do it in the first place if i didn't want to.

an emotional manipulator is fond of Crazy making - the art of saying one thing and later assuring you they did not say it. They can lie so smoothly that you can sit looking at black and they’ll call it white - and argue so persuasively that you begin to doubt your very senses.

one thing i'm proud of with myself is i KEEP MY WORD. i don't lie to people, especially those i care for. i hate liars nga e. and when i say something, i keep it. and i also don't pretend that i did not say whatever it is i said. why the hell would i do that? i stand by my word. if i said it, i said it. if i didn't, i didn't.

emotional manipulators are excellent guilt mongers. They can make you feel guilty for speaking up or not speaking up, for being emotional or not being emotional enough, for giving and caring, or for not giving and caring enough. Any thing is fair game and open to guilt with an emotional manipulator. Emotional manipulators seldom express their needs or desires openly - they get what they want through emotional manipulation. Emotional Manipulators seldom fight their own fights or do their own dirty work. The crazy thing is that when you do it for them (which they will never ask directly for), they may just turn around and say they certainly didn’t want or expect you to do anything!

i believe that a person shouldn't feel guilty if he/she knows he/she didn't do anything wrong. no amount of this so-called manipulation can make you feel guilty if you know you're not at fault. ergo, how the hell can i manipulate someone to feel guilty when in the first place, i don't believe that guilt is caused by someone other than the person himself? and... i have always been an open book. as i've said previously, i am transparent. i express what and how i feel... sometimes too much, i think. so don't tell me that i never express my desires and needs. moreover, i have been fighting my own fights ever since i can remember. i don't depend on someone else to face my fights for me. i get tired of fighting and most of the time i feel weakened by it but don't dare accuse me of not fighting for myself. neither do i expect someone else to do dirty work for me. if i intend to play dirty (which i don't do), i'd do it myself.

Emotional manipulators fight dirty. They don’t deal with things directly. They will talk around behind your back and eventually put others in the position of telling you what they would not say themselves. They are passive aggressive, meaning they find subtle ways of letting you know they are not happy little campers. They’ll tell you what they think you want to hear and then do a bunch of jerk off shit to undermine it.

now this is really pissing me off. i don't fight dirty. i don't talk about someone behind his/her back. if i don't like you, i'd tell you to your face. if in case i don't tell you to your face, i'd just keep it to myself but you'd most surely feel my ire. i have never been fond of backstabbing people. i know how it feels to be backstabbed. it has happened to me several times -- people i thought i trusted has backstabbed me in the past (some are even doing it presently). it's a cowardly thing to do and that's something i most definitely am not. i am not a coward. i also don't tell people something for the sake of just saying it and because i know it is what they want to hear . if i don't mean it, i will not say it. i can name someone who says things you want to hear but don't exactly mean it, but it most definitely is NOT me.

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i just finished the book the alchemist.

the book says that everybody has his/her own Personal Legend. and that we should learn how to listen to our hearts and read the signs and omens in order to follow it. it also says that at a certain point in our lives, our hearts begin to speak more softly because we fail to listen to it... but it never stops speaking.

i want to follow my Personal Legend. while reading the book, i was thinking of what it is. several things popped in my head and one thing stood out. i have always been afraid to pursue this dream because i was afraid of failing. now, i think i should just go ahead and try it. i've got nothing more to lose anyways. i guess i will never be truly happy if i don't follow my Personal Legend.

the book goes on to say that if you really really want something, the whole universe conspires for you to achieve it. there may be obstacles in between but that is just part of the journey. no one ever said that life is free of obstacles. having identified my Personal Legend, i remember that i had the chance before but i did not take it for fear of leaving people behind. in the book, the alchemist told the shepherd that, "Don't think about what you've left behind. Everything is written in the Soul of the World, and there it will stay forever. If what one finds is made of pure matter, it will never spoil. And one can always come back".

very well said. it occurred to me that i was given a second chance at fulfilling my Personal Legend but again, i did not pursue it for fear of failing and losing something i held dear. again, the book explains, "The fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. No heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams".

right.