Her name was Milette. She was 25 years old. An account executive from one of the finest advertising agencies in the country, she was (I think) at the prime of her life.

Last Monday, May 9, Milette died... or should I say, killed herself -- jumping from the roof deck of a high-rise condominium in Ortigas.

I don't know her. Never knew her. Don't even know how she looks. But for some inane reason, I mourn her death.

From the stories I've gathered from people who knew her (one of whom is my best friend), we're kinda alike. It felt like my friend was describing me as she was narrating the events leading to her death. I must admit, I was rattled more than anyone in our group after hearing the news. I don't know if I should even say this... but when I was younger, I almost tried taking my own life. What stopped me was... no, not the fear of dying... but the fear of blood. When I was ten years old and I had to get blood transfusion, I almost passed out at the sight of it. My yaya had to shield my eyes to keep me from seeing the blood bag. But I digress.

I wonder... what was going through Milette's head as she jumped from the 22nd floor? Did she change her mind mid-way, and realized it was too late to turn back? Did she feel anything as she hit the ground?

Just the other day, I was talking to a friend. We were at this balcony-type ledge at the second floor.

Me: Do you think if I fall from here, I'll die?
Him: No... it's not high enough. You'll probably get fractured and stuff, but you'll live.
Me: What if I fall head first?
Him: (thinks) In that case, maybe...

***silence***

Him: You're not thinking of anything stupid, are you?
Me: By existing, I am being stupid. I am stupid personified.
Him: There is no point to this conversation.

-----------------------------

Death is all around. In the industry alone, I have heard of so many deaths in the past month -- people I know, people my friends know, people I don't know but have seen from the circle I move in. Have also heard several stories about brushes with death lately... sort of like Final Destination-- myself, included.

I am not afraid of dying. I'm just sort of afraid to think about the manner with which I'll die. I always tell my friends that I don't want an unglamorous death. I don't want to waste away. I don't want to be badly mangled. As if I have a choice, eh? Hehe. La lang. There's nothing wrong about wanting to have a (so-called) glamorous death.

Anyhoo--I'm in the process of writing my Last Will. Not that I have, like, a lot of possessions. I don't have my own house, I don't have properties... I don't even have my own car. What, then, do I put in my Last Will?

Well... they're just sort of last bilins to people... like a morbid wish list. Hehe. I have to put it down on paper so if ever that day comes, someone will make sure my wishes are met. Otherwise, like all the spirits with unfinished businesses, I'll be doomed to wander the land of the living.

Yeah well... when I die:

01. I want my wake/funeral song to be All Apologies by Nirvana.

02. I want a live band to perform at my wake -- an acoustic set up will do. I imagine people wouldn't be too happy with the "noise" a full band set up would create. It'd be like waking the dead (pun not intended). (Note: Calling all my 'band' friends! It'd be like a "going away" present for me! Wehehehe).

03. I want to be cremated.

04. I want my ashes to be scattered into the sea.

05. I want black and white candles.

As for my measly possessions (e.g., CDs, books, gadgets, toys), I have yet to think of who I'll leave them with.

Any takers?

-----------------------------

This afternoon, I had a philosophical conversation with my friend who wants to be called porn star. We shared our views on life, death, people...

It's a comfort to think that someone understands my tiwang. He didn't laugh at my weird thoughts. Not even once did he make fun of me. No such comments like "Ano ka ba?" or "Ang weird mo naman" or "Kung ano-ano iniisip mo. You think too much.", which I get from someone supposedly close to me.

Thanks porn star! It's been a while since I had a conversation with someone without fear of being judged. Thank you for letting me be myself 100%.

-----------------------------

What else should I be
All apologies
What else should I say
Everyone is gay
What else could I write
I don't have the right
What else should I be
All apologies

In the sun
In the sun I feel as one
In the sun
In the sun
I'm married
Buried

I wish I was like you
Easily amused
Find my nest of salt
Everything is my fault
I'll take all the blame
Aqua seafoam shame
Sunburn with freezerburn
Choking on the ashes of her enemy

In the sun
In the sun I feel as one
In the sun
In the sun
I'm married
Buried

All in all is all we are...

-"All Apologies", Nirvana († Kurt Cobain 1967-1994)