Someone told me a few nights ago that I am the way I am because I think too much. And that I'm not nakakaawa at all.

Probably true.

I think I owe you an explanation...

I am not nagpapaawa, but sometimes I pity myself. When I say nobody cares, it's because nobody does.

I've always felt unwanted. When I was young, my mom, sisters and cousins used to tell me that I was exchanged at birth. When I was born, the nurse apparently mistook my umbilical cord for something else and declared to everybody that I was a boy. After being cleansed and all, the doctor came up to my mom and told her that I was, indeed, a girl and went on to explain about how the nurse thought my umbilical cord was a p***s.

Everytime they'd tell me that story, I ended up crying. I mean, why else would they tell me that if it weren't true? When I got a bit older, I got to thinking why they would even bother telling me the story even if it weren't true? Did they, perhaps, not want me?

I dealt with it the way I knew how... shrugged it off and pretended not to care. But I cared far too much and I was just too proud to admit it. In front of them, I stood strong... but alone, in my room every night, I cried myself to sleep. I guess that's how I created my wall and to this day I still have that wall. Once in a while, I lower it down for some people. But through the years I have learned that keeping it down only means more pain. Letting people in is synonymous to pain.

I was never the favored child. I am the youngest of three children. Our eldest is my half sister but my dad accepted her as his own. Eventually, she moved out and lived with my grandmother so it was just my ate and me.

Growing up as the youngest child in most families is probably the best thing in the world. But in mine, it wasn't. My ate had all the attention. She got all the best toys, the best clothes and the best school. Sure, I was spoiled rotten but not by my parents... it was my yaya who took care of me till I was around 15. If not for her, maybe no one would have minded me. I grew up craving for attention. Even when I got all the medals and the honors when I was in school, I never got the approval from my parents. Yeah they told me they were proud of me... but I know that if my sister got all those medals, there would have been a party.

For that reason, I strived hard to get into UP. I didn't want to settle for any other school than UP. That was the only time I got the nod from my mother. My dad, being his nice self and all, tried hard to make me feel like he was proud of me. But I knew in my heart that I could never be as special as my sister was to him. When I graduated cum laude, my friends were more proud of me than any of my family. They just didn't care. Like it was the easiest thing in the world and anybody could have gotten it. I even got the line, "You would've been magna or summa cum laude if you were more serious about school".

Right.

I wanted to throw the damn medal away.

I haven't been speaking to my mother since I was around 21 for reasons I cannot write about here. All I can say is that, to each other, we're invicible. We may live in the same house but it feels like we're not. My mom and dad aren't on speaking terms either. You can just imagine the three of us living under one roof. Life isn't at all peachy. Which is why I never like being at home. If I had my way, I'd be out of there right now. But I don't.

So you see, nobody cares. Sure I have my friends but they have their own lives to think about that they can't be bothered with me. They try to be there whenever the need arises, but most of the time I'm by my lonesome, struggling to get accepted by the people who matter. Still craving for that attention nobody I care for wants to give me.


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Sino tong nakatingin?
Anghel bang magliligtas sakin
Mga mata'y kanyang minulat sa pagdadalamhati

Hinahanap sa kung saan
Pakpak na hindi mahagilap
"ninanais ko lang naman na maging ganap"

Kailangan lang pagbigyan
Kulang lang sa pansin

Maghahanap ka pa ba
Ng ibang taga-lupa
"aking tinig ay iyong dinggin"

Kailangan lang pagbigyan
Kulang lang sa pansin

Mauubos din ang luha
Natutuyo at nawawala
Naglalaho rin pala

Kailangan lang pagbigyan
Kulang lang sa pansin

- "klsp" / Spongecola