What's worse than not being loved by the person you love?...
Being hated by the person you love.
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Here's an open letter to someone I have always been afraid of losing, but have lost because of my own doing:
Dear J,
There are so many things I want to tell you but I don't know where to begin. And I don't really know if it's a good idea to succumb myself once again to such vulnerability. However, you and I both know that I'm the kind of person who throws caution to the wind. So here I am, writing you this letter, and spilling my guts out. (I would've written to you directly but somehow writing it here made it more comfortable...)
I've known you to be a gentle and patient person. You've always been good and extremely nice to everyone, including me. I think that's what endeared you the most to me. Recently, however, you've seemed to lose your patience more and more with me -- yelling at me, calling me names, getting more and more indifferent... I guess I couldn't blame you. I'm a brat and a bitch rolled into one.
What happened early this morning at the parking lot is something I will never forget. Call it an exaggeration but I think it will continue to haunt me for a very long time. You see, I couldn't just hear and see the anger in your voice and in your eyes... It was hatred I heard and saw there. It scared me more than it hurt me. For at that moment, I knew that I've finally lost you. I knew that things will never go back to the way they were. I knew that whatever it is, is beyond repair. And it's all my fault.
All I ever wanted was to spend time with you. Those instances I've been unreasonable (as you call it) was all because I wanted to be with you. Or talk to you. Or see you. It is pathetic but it's the truth. I never meant to be unreasonable or difficult. I just wanted to be with you... as simple as that. Maybe I tried too hard and pushed too hard. Or maybe I was asking for too much. I dunno... But I never thought that it was wrong to want to be with someone. I never thought that it was wrong to love.
Remembering how irate you were with me in the car fills me with great sadness and pain now. I've never seen you that furious with anyone... Even to those people who've wronged you in the past. Some people have done nasty things to you but you never yelled at them nor hated them. I never heard you say nasty things to get back at them. And yet you manage to yell at me and hate me for just wanting to be with you all the time. Aahh... My heart is literally breaking. I feel the pain. =(
I don't want you to hate me. I don't want to look in your eyes and see loathing there. So I'll get out of your hair now. It's not the easiest thing for me to do but I guess I have to. I just can't bear the thought of you hating me all the more.
Sorry for messing up your life. Sorry for, as you say, hassling you most of the time. Sorry for loving you the way I know how.
Much love, Jamie
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Having said all of that, I'm going on a self-imposed hiatus. Don't know when I'll be back... Or if I'll be back at all.
- Get Your Own
