i haven't blogged in a while for a variety of reasons:

01. i'm an addict. have been addicted to this "thing"... unexpectedly... hehe. never thought i'd be this addicted.

02. i'm in severe pain. related to item #1.

03. i am practicing the virtue of patience. whereas before, i usually write about how i feel and what i think the moment they happen, now i think about it first. i count from one to one thousand and the moment i finish, the emotion has died down and i really don't feel like thinking and writing about it anymore. so there.

04. i go home and sleep early because i'm always tired.

05. i bury myself with work to forget about all those other stuff.

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i know i said i try not to be impulsive about the things i write about but... last night i felt really really bad.

you see, someone asked me about NMTB (formerly known as MSPB) and apparently this person found out about the issue from NMTB himself. it's not as if my reputation is ruined... but y'know, i just feel betrayed. it was supposed to be just between us. we agreed it will never come out. and then i find out he's goin' around telling people. what's up with that?

i'm tired of getting mad. i didn't get mad actually. just sad. and hurt. i never expected him to do that to me, of all people. i mean, don't i mean anything to him at all that he wouldn't "protect" me from these things? eversince, i have done nothing but "protect" him. whenever other people would spread bad things about him, i'd be there to the rescue. i've been laughed at, have had eyebrows raised at me, and people talking behind my back... but i didn't care. it just felt right to defend him since he's a really special friend. i guess maybe i expected too much from him. but is it too hard to actually "protect" me? is it such a hard thing to do to return the favor? don't i deserve respect as a friend and as a person?

i also haven't done anything bad to him. yeah, i used to nag him all the time and used to always pick a fight with him. but it's not as if i destroyed his reputation, like what other people has done to him. and yet, he has forgiven all those other people who've done him wrong. i see him give them respect and special attention to live up to his image of being a really nice and likeable person. so... how come i, who hasn't done him wrong, don't get that same respect and special attention? why? i will never understand.

as the cliche goes, it is better to give than to receive. i believe that. but sometimes, you kinda want people to give something back, dontcha? especially if what you need is something that's not actually hard to give back.

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anyhoo---i finally accepted that long overdue dinner invitation from ________.

we're going out next week.

ahh... something to look forward to.