The Bitch Is Back!

Yeah... you got that right. I am back.

Took me a while to post despite all of the things that have happened lately. Well, for one thing, it has been one HELL of a week for me. Have been running around trying to do several things all at once.

For another, I haven't been in the mood to write lately. It seems that the Muses have deserted me. I'm completely uninspired. I feel blah, dull and dreary. As my blog title says... Ho-hum to me.

Nothing much has changed really. I still feel worthless and insignificant. I still feel like I couldn't construct a proper sentence. I think I am not making much sense.

But hey, after a couple of hell days, I suddenly find myself taking a much-deserved break right now so might as well put it to good use. So there. Here I am.


I Started A Joke

The other day, I was by lonesome smoking my lungs out when I suddenly found myself humming the BeeGees' song "I Started A Joke". I dunno why I started humming it. It just came out of nowhere. And then I realized that the lyrics sorta pertained to me.

You see, a year or so ago, I started something with a friend. It was like an experiment. We were talking about how rumors start and how fast they spread. So we came up with the idea of making something up and then see how far it'll go. However crazy the idea sounded, it was also appealing. And we were curious about what would happen. So we went ahead with the plan. Since we didn't want to be nasty by spreading something totally made-up about other people, we decided on applying the experiment to ourselves.

We played our part and set everything in motion. For some freaky reason, no one seemed to pick it up. Weird, we thought. Maybe we weren't convincing enough. So we "re-grouped" and tried to be as convincing as possible. There was a ripple of reaction from some people but that was it. Nothing more. No splash. No waves. No tsunamis. We decided to scrap the idea. It was a total waste of time.

And then it happened.

While we were going through the whole act, it kinda felt natural at a certain point that it felt like it wasn't an act anymore. Well at least that was what it felt like to me. Oh boy, was I so wrong.

I have made countless erroneous judgement calls through the years. To quote Sugarfree, I am the undisputed Hari Reyna Ng Sablay. But thinking back now, I feel like this is one of the worst faux pas of all.

So yeah, like the Beegees say, the joke is on me, people.

And no, it ain't funny.


The Tale Of Two Exes

Like I said earlier, a lot of blog-worthy things have happened to me in the past week (or two?). Some are freaky, some hurtful and some insightful. But the craziest thing was that I hooked up with two of my exes in the same week! If that wasn't weird then I don't know what weird is.

Oh... when I say I hooked up with them, I didn't mean that we got back together. Nah-uh. One I bumped into at a friend's house and the other I spoke with on the phone. It was kinda surreal, y'know. It has been years since I saw or talked to either of them. R was a kinda good separation... I mean, we parted as friends. A was painful and very messy. A lot of hurtful things were said. For a time I thought (and I'm sure he did too) that whatever we have will never ever be repaired. I can say with much conviction that no, I don't see us getting back together at any time. But I can now declare that I think we can be friends again. We never talked about the past when we spoke last week. It was like it never happened. Maybe that's for the best. Digging up past dirt will surely open up old wounds and that could turn out to be really nasty. Neither of us wants that.

A mentioned he'd want to go out sometime. I told him I'm okay with it. He actually wanted to pick me up the other night. But something came up so our supposed rendezvous didn't push through. That would have been interesting. Haha. Maybe it's not yet time.

R on the other hand is getting married soon. Hurray to him! It's about time he does too. He's too darn old na. Hehe.

Funny it was the two of them I encountered within the same week. Those two hated each other's guts. A followed R and was the reason why I ditched him. Yeah well... That was then.


A is for Anger

For the past three days I haven't been getting enough sleep. I feel like I'm on drugs or something. I think maybe in three days, I've only had a total of eight hours sleep. It doesn't take a math genius to know that that's roughly 2.6 hours per day -- simply put, it just isn't enough.

So anyways, one night I was channel-surfing and I came upon the movie Anger Management. I was lucky enough to catch it just as it was starting. Since I haven't yet seen it and I like Adam Sandler, I decided to watch it. Beats staring at the ceiling, believe me.

Halfway through the film, I realized I do have Anger issues. Actually, I've known for a time now that I have A LOT of issues -- with myself, with other people, with people I love, with the world. I guess I'm just in denial that I'm one angry sonofabitch. It's not right to say that I don't know why I'm angry. I do know... somehow. But there are just too many reasons. What I want to find out is the root. That one ultimate source of my anger. That is what I am not sure of.

It's a pity I cannot afford to see a shrink coz I know I need one. And I already know where to find one. All it takes is just a phone call and I'm on my way to dealing with my issues with the guidance of a trained professional.

Gah.


The Art Of Letting Go

I heard someone say before that "Letting go is so much harder than holding on". I forget who and where I heard it from. But it's so true. Ever wonder why there are so many battered wives who refuse to leave their abusive husbands? Or why there are a lot of unhappy people staying in bad relationships? Or why there are several people who dwell in the past and are consequently depressed?

One night last week I had an encounter with an old friend with whom I had a falling out of sorts. It was sort of uncanny that we met up like we did because I have been actually toying with the idea of seeing him somehow to just talk. Y'know... just for closure. Coz we never had that. I was still in the process of planning how to go about it when he appeared one night when I least expected it.

It was a very awkward moment. Half the time I was hoping that the earth would just swallow me up. But the earth didn't want to cooperate with me then. So I stuck it out however awkward the whole thing was.

Then just as the night was about to end, I finally mustered up enough courage to come up to him and ask him what went wrong. Coz for the life of me, I really have no idea why. I'm totally clueless about what I did, or if I did anything at all to deserve such a treatment. Apparently, he wasn't ready to talk. All he did was answer my questions with more questions. Uhm... hello? I'm supposed to be the one asking all these questions. Then the complete brush off came when he said "Wag mo nang alamin" and proceeded to pretend like I didn't exist.

So yeah. That felt like shit.

Anyways, just so I can get it off my chest and in case he chances upon this blog, here is what I have to say:

Like I told you that night, I don't know and have no idea whatsoever what it was I did or said to make you feel the way you do about me right now. Believe what you want to believe but I never spoke ill of you to anyone. I never talked about you at all. I was grilled and asked a gazillion of times by a lot of people about you and what happened. All those times I told them nothing. Zero. Nil. I may have told some that you've changed, coz you did y'know. Total transformation, man. But mostly I kept quiet and shrugged everybody off. None of what you told me before -- all those stories, all those juicy kwentos we used to share -- ever came out of my mouth. Didn't repeat any to a single soul. Remember our "to the grave" pact whenever we talked about sensitive issues? I intend to keep it. Should you choose not to, that's your choice. But I'm true to my word and I have no intention of breaking that pact.

Whatever it is... whatever your reasons are, I may never know. But for whatever it's worth, I am humbling myself... I'm sorry. You may choose not to accept my apology. That's totally up to you. But I give it wholeheartedly and sincerely.

There.

Letting go now.


Snoop Doggy Dog

I have said it time and again... I have this talent (or curse... depends on how you look at it) of finding things out without even asking. The information magnet, that's me.

However, today I decided to change things. I did a little snooping.

And oh how I regret it!

Gah.

Bleh.

You know that line 'What you don't know won't hurt you'? TRUE. TRUE. TRUE.

I should have left things as they were. But no, I decided it was fun to be Sherlock Holmes for a day. So guess what I found? Skeletons in the closet.

Ack. I really should have left things as they were.