Bittersweet Symphony

No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
And I'm a million different people from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
I can't change
I can't change it
'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life

-"Bittersweet Symphony" The Verve

I can't exactly explain how I am feeling right now. One part of me is ecstatically happy. Finally I feel free. It's like the chain that was binding me to this abysmal pit has gone loose. No, it didn't just loosen up... It's gone. Actually gone.

I should be glad. Should be jumping for joy. I should be the happiest person on the planet (well, aside from my best friend Anna).

But then again, I have this sinking feeling inside. Can't really say if it's sadness or fear or paranoia. Maybe a combination of all these emotions... magnified like 10x.

I am afraid terrified. And bitter. Ooohhh... let's not forget that.

I am so bitter I can be THE endorser of Abs Bitter Herbs. Yeah, yeah I know... that was such a lame joke. But my sense of humor... if I had any to begin with... seemed to have abandoned me at this time. Anyways, it's not just about this thing or the people I'm leaving behind. This bitterness I feel is actually coming from a far greater source. I realize now that I have been bitter all my life and the times I thought I got past that, I never actually did. It seems like I swallowed this bitter pill and it just grew and grew and sustained itself inside me. Now I don't know how to kill it. I don't know if it will ever go away. It feels like it has made its home inside me and has no plans of leaving anytime soon. Weird huh? Yeah well... I'm weird like that.

That's exactly why I haven't blogged for so long. I just didn't feel like it. I didn't feel like doing anything at all. The catatonic me is once again rearing its ugly head and I am so powerless to fight it. Maybe I should just give up. Maybe I should just let it win.


The Friends Zone

Lately I've been addicted to watching Friends on DVD. For the past two weeks, I have been on a Friends marathon hoping that it will kinda cheer me up. Let's face it, Friends was one of the best things that ever happened to American television. It was funny, sometimes sad yeah, but humor was injected in all the right places that you can't help but laugh even through your tears. Friends was like real life to most people. I know it was (and still is) to me.

I think it was somehow a bad idea that I decided to watch Friends on marathon at this point in my life. Yeah it cheered me up a bit but it also got me to thinking about where my life is headed. I could actually see myself in every character.

Rachel Green - the girl who tried too hard to look for love in all the wrong places. Oooh... this is just so me. I mean, hello?!?! I think I've found my "Ross" at some point but then he just got married so hurray to me, eh?

Monica Geller-Bing - the O.C. (Obsessive Compulsive) girl who's had quite a string of bad luck with men. Again... the story of my life. Err not the O.C. bit though. But I have my share of O.C. moments too, albeit very rare.

Phoebe Buffay - the sweet and flaky New Age girl who talks to plants and animals and actually believes that inanimate objects have feelings too. Yeah... I do too.

Joey Tribbiani - the sweet and erm... somewhat slow guy who loves women, pizza, women, himself and women. Yeah maybe I am not much of a "Joey" if you know what I mean. But I can totally relate to his character when he fell in love with Rachel, one of his best friends. Right.

Chandler Bing - the romantically dysfunctional and professionally unmotivated wiseass who uses his sarcastic humor to get past life. Put all those together and yeah, you once again get... me.

Ross Geller - the highly emotional and hopelessly romantic guy who has forever been in love with Rachel, one of his best friends. I don't think I should even say it... It's pretty obvious now, ain't it?

Friends schmriends. Why did I even think of watching this again?!?!?