Pain, Pain Go Away

I feel like a worthless scum. No... actually, lower than scum. If there is such a thing lower than scum, I don't know what it's called. But I think I know how it must feel. Because that is how I feel right now.

I know there are a million things much much worse than this. But somehow, this is by far the worst I've felt in years. I've never felt more miserable and dejected ever. The pain is just too much to bear.

How do you mourn someone who is not in your life by choice?

How do you pick yourself up after being trampled on?

How do you put the pieces back together when your heart has literally shattered into a million fragments?

How do you regain self-respect and self-worth?

How do you start over when the will to go on has gone up in flames?

How do you erase feelings? How do you forget?

How do you stop caring? How do you make it all end?

How do you escape the demons in your head?

For most people, when they cut themselves or stumble, they clean the wound, put a bandage on it and go on living. Sadly, it ain't the same for me. I just keep on bleeding. And it won't stop. No amount of bandages can make the bleeding stop. Indeed, how do you heal a wound that's gone on too long and too deep that it's beginning to rot?

Pain paralyzes you.

Pain kills. It's a slow, laborious death. It snuffs out your spirit and lingers long after you're gone. Like you're dying a thousand times over.

Pain wears you down. And I'm exhausted like never before.

Oh pain, please please please go away.


The Butterfly Effect

Chasing a butterfly is like chasing a storm. It's hard. And tiring. But because there is nothing in this world that you want and that is more important to you than getting that butterfly, you continually try. And continually fail. Despite failing several times, you never learn and dare to try again.

Maybe butterflies aren't meant to be chased. Nor caged. They get suffocated. Maybe they're really meant to fly free.

And because you don't want it hating you for trying to catch it, you just let it be. Even though your life loses color and gets much more drab.

It has been said that something as small as the flutter of a butterfly's wings can ultimately cause a typhoon halfway around the world. - Chaos Theory

There's only one problem though... The typhoon isn't halfway around the world. The typhoon is here.


Ctrl+Alt+Del

I wish life was like a PC. You just press ctrl+alt+del and you can choose to restart, shutdown or logoff.

I need a fresh start.

I desperately need to reboot.